So long that Pinterest didn't even exist last time I posted and now I'm addicted.
I stopped blogging because of mental health issues. I was very depressed and feeling suicidal after a really crappy relationship that left me with a few new battle scars. It also drudged up repressed emotions from some abused I endured when I was an adolescent girl.
Health care in Canada maybe free but let me tell you, you get what you pay for!
I am NOT cured by any means but I have a strong support system now, and a very understanding finance.
When I was feeling suicidal I called the mental health hotline. They told me to drive myself to the ER.
I waited there for 8 hours and was admitted to the acute mental health hospital.
I stayed for almost a week. Dustin was the only person to visit. My Mom drove down on the weekend and sprung me out. And I went to live with my parents again. I quit my job after being pressured by the insurance company to go back to work because honestly who wants to listen to a sad radio announcer?
At my parents I was mandated to visit a councillor once a week. I requested a female they assigned me a male. He asked me deeply personal and painful questions about being molested citing that he needed to know what happened in order to help me heal. I didn't want to give details, it was too painful. After I worked up the nerve to tell him he told me at our next session that he couldn't help me because he is a man.
I never felt more raw, exposed and vulnerable in my life. I also felt so very betrayed. AND angry, I asked for a female councillor for a reason and my needs were not met.
After bumming around my home town for 18 months Dustin asked me to be with him.
I told him I couldn't, unless he loved me. Every PART of me. I reminded him why I went to the mental hospital, and why I was seeing councillors. I already loved him but I couldn't trust him. He built the trust. He was/(is) a gentleman and he helped me heal. I move in with him four months after we "officially started dating" and I went back to work, but not at the radio station. I went to work Part Time at Sears.
We moved into an apartment with a roommate I got a new job we were there for awhile.
It was small and cramped. Then we found out we were expecting SURPRISE! and suddenly that cramped apartment felt like a shoe box. We needed to expand our horizons.
Christmas 2012 my sister and I were both expecting babies within the next few months. The whole family was together all four sisters and our respective other halves. Mom was feeling nauseous and had a headache. I stepped in and took over making dinner.
In the following weeks we made several trips back to my mom's house to pick up hand-me-downs for the baby. Every time we went mom was feeling sick with a migraine. The first weekend in February I said to my mom upon leaving to go home, that I was very concerned. Mom was in bed, arm over her eyes. She was talking to me but she wasn't making much sense. I asked her to consider going to the hospital I told her I was afraid she might have a tumor. Me and my big mouth.
The day after my visit mom started vomiting. She went to the hospital and was ordered a CAT scan. That's when shit really hit the fan. When your Father texts you, and he's not tech savvy... and all it says is "I miss you, I love you", it's a fair indication that NOTHING is fine. I called him, I called Mom. I left panicked messages on both their phones. I cried, I hurt I instinctively knew, and I was TERRIFIED.
Sunday - Mom went to her local hospital where the CT scan took place.
Monday - I got the text from Dad. I called and called and finally got through. Mom was transferred to Kingston General Hospital. I spoke to mom she was incoherent, I picked up a few hospital stay items. Dad came to my house in Brockville.
Tuesday - We went to see her. She was heavily medicated in a big room full of sick people with curtains dividing them. Everyone around Mom was giving the worst news they all had cancer. And were very sick.
we were told that mom may get surgery the next day or Friday. There was no solid information. Other than there was a significant tumor and surgery was happening.
Wednesday - We arrived at the hospital just in time for mom to be carted off to the surgery floor.
Thursday - Mom was in the ICU
Friday - she was transferred to a recovery room, the highway was then closed down.
I didn't sleep. The diagnosis from the biopsied portion of the tumor came back as cancer.
Glioblastoma Multiforme Stage 4.
My Mom is a nurse. She`s a good person. She never smoked, never drank.
Of course it`s not fair. It pisses me off.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glioblastoma_multiforme
I started seeing a social worker to work through some of the complex emotions you come up against when you are an anxious, depressive, panicky person whom is very pregnant and you've been told your Mom only has a couple years to live. I guess that worked for a little while. She told me I didn't need to see her anymore after Rowan turned 4 months old, shortly after Dustin told me I could start shopping for and planning our wedding. I guess she thought that getting married means I`m fine now.I can`t be alone without crying. I guess having Rowan is a good distraction. I often sob uncontrollably in the shower or when I`m making dinner. I play it up like it`s just from cutting onions because those little bastards get me every time but I`m also sad so it makes it easier to let it out.
My Mom is 6 days away from her 1 year surgery anniversary. I suppose it`s a moment to celebrate, but its also a painful reminder how few years we have.
Dustin and I are getting married October 31st 2014. I asked my Mom to be my matron of honor.
My younger sister is getting married August 16th 2014.
The planning is going well.
Mom is doing fairly well, the tumor is stable. She takes chemo therapy once a month.
She`s been taking steroids to prevent swelling in her brain. The surgeon says that they can reduce the dose.
She has been having some trouble with pulmonary emboli. (blood clots in her lungs) they are getting bigger and more are forming. Thicker blood is the nature of this type of cancer. She is on the maximum dose of blood thinner a person her size can take. That`s nerve racking but the alternative is a stroke.
Rowan was born on March 30th 2013. The delivery was perfect. SHE`S perfect.
My back took some damage during the process and I will post more on that progress as the time goes on.
We breast feed, we co-sleep and people have opinions they loves to share with us on both of those and many other topics regarding child rearing.
I look forward to posting shorter blog entries on more specific topics in the future.
Thanks for reading.
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